I've been popping ritalin every couple of hours (don't worry I'm still under the prescribed limit). I feel distant and dull, but today has been more productive than the past week, and the improvement from yesterday is vast.
This isn't sustainable. At some point I'm going to crash, and I can only hope I've accomplished enough before then. I'm a ticking time bomb. (Great time to be blogging, eh?)
Sometimes I feel like the ADD is just another excuse. What kid isn't diagnosed at some point?
It's vague and can't be pinned down. Beating it is a matter of self will, and mine doesn't show its face too often.
I've finally stopped questioning my intelligence so much, but that doesn't lighten the frustration. In fact, maybe self doubt was just easier than explaining that I really do have worthwhile thoughts, but I just can't seem to express them. I do know how to think, or I did once, but I think somewhere along the way I may have forgotten.
Trying to get support at Goldsmiths has been frustrating. In the past, those who have dealt with my weaknesses have also seen my abilities. Have been the ones reminding me of them when they seemed most distant. Now only my weaknesses are exposed, and somewhere, amidst the self doubt, the urgent need to prove myself is beginning to emerge.
I want to learn. So badly. I am interested in so many things and want to research them until I can't make my eyes focus on another word. But for as long a I can remember, academic institutions have felt like an impossible obstacle course I need to make my way through in order to unlock the next stage of life.
:) good luck and blessings :)
ReplyDeleteThanks so much!! x
DeleteThere is no doubt in my mind of your intelligence or of your ability to think, write, or accomplish whatever else you set your mind to. With all the papers you need to write, I can totally relate to the frustration you feel. Whenever I need to write something, there is a period of confusion and frustration (often accompanied by procrastination) before eventually finding what I want to say. Fortunately, having multiple papers and exams all at the same time isn't an ongoing state, and this level of work and frustration doesn't need to be sustained permanently.
ReplyDeleteI also have ADD, I don't tell many people but sometimes feel exactly like this, I couldn't have put it any better myself. I am writing my final exams at the moment (I finish tomorrow) and have been feeling like this nonstop for a while now. It's difficult, because you want to work, but somehow you can't? I hope it get's better soon. Good luck. Daniella xx
ReplyDeleteThanks Daniella, I'm glad you could relate. It is a very frustrating feeling, but it's always very satisfying to finally complete something. Good luck with finish up your exams!!! xx
DeleteKeep it up Lovely...sounds like you are doing an incredible job of it....
ReplyDeleteAnd happy yoga-ing when you have a chance to:) x
Thanks Lulu! x
Deleteahhh nooo, 3 times my comment got deleted before i could post it :p haha.
ReplyDeletewhat i wanted to say was that i feel exactly the same way. i'm always doubting my intelligence, because sometimes it seems like i don't have thoughts. i know i do though, but i can never put them into words. so frustrating.
and i too feel like the academic institution is an obstacle that i need to overcome in order to get on with my life. sometimes it seems like i never will, but i guess i just have to keep working slowly but steadily. wanting to learn is step 1 i think, so you will get there too :) good luck with everything!
No that is so frustrating! I appreciate your effort in leaving this comment :)
DeleteIt's nice to know I'm not along in those feelings. Questioning my intelligence is such a frustrating feeling, but it's also so rewarding when I work hard and can really recognize my success. And you're right, working slowly and steadily is the way to do it. I find it so frustrating that academic institutions aren't set up in a way that cater to more people and their situations and obstacles, but for now I'll just have to deal with it. Good luck with your studies, I have faith that both of us will be successful in the end! x
I totally feel this. It's so frustrating to feel like something is holding you back, while at the same time feeling like maybe nothing's holding you back and it's just your fault.
ReplyDeleteyes you said it exactly. It's nice to know that other people understand the experience though.
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