I've been popping ritalin every couple of hours (don't worry I'm still under the prescribed limit). I feel distant and dull, but today has been more productive than the past week, and the improvement from yesterday is vast.
This isn't sustainable. At some point I'm going to crash, and I can only hope I've accomplished enough before then. I'm a ticking time bomb. (Great time to be blogging, eh?)
Sometimes I feel like the ADD is just another excuse. What kid isn't diagnosed at some point?
It's vague and can't be pinned down. Beating it is a matter of self will, and mine doesn't show its face too often.
I've finally stopped questioning my intelligence so much, but that doesn't lighten the frustration. In fact, maybe self doubt was just easier than explaining that I really do have worthwhile thoughts, but I just can't seem to express them. I do know how to think, or I did once, but I think somewhere along the way I may have forgotten.
Trying to get support at Goldsmiths has been frustrating. In the past, those who have dealt with my weaknesses have also seen my abilities. Have been the ones reminding me of them when they seemed most distant. Now only my weaknesses are exposed, and somewhere, amidst the self doubt, the urgent need to prove myself is beginning to emerge.
I want to learn. So badly. I am interested in so many things and want to research them until I can't make my eyes focus on another word. But for as long a I can remember, academic institutions have felt like an impossible obstacle course I need to make my way through in order to unlock the next stage of life.
